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Funny & Humorous quotes

Funny & Humorous quotes

This is an assorted collection of funny and humorous quotes gleaned from the web, and numerous .sig files.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog: you understand it better, but the frog dies in the process.
-- Mark Twain

You will pay for your sins!
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things.
-- Anon.

I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

Be alert, the world needs more lerts.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
-- Steven Wright

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

I think animal testing is a terrible thing.........
They get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

Conclusion /nm./: the place where you got tired of thinking.

There are two ways to look at things -- my way and ... and ...
okay, there's ONE way to look at things.
-- J. Wagner

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-- Fred Allen

Please don't talk while I'm interrupting
-- Todd Rockefeller

"A bachelor never makes the same mistake once."
-- Anonymous

"Sex is not the answer, it is the question. The answer is 'Yes'."
-- Anonymous

That money talks I'll not deny. I heard it once, it said "Goodbye."
-- Richard Armour
Money talks - mine says goodbye!
-- (another version)

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
-- W.C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields

"I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase."
-- Henry Youngman

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
-- Henny Youngman

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-- Henny Youngman

"I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?"
-- Marshall Clow

"If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel you are looking the wrong way."
-- Barry Commoner

"I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it."
-- Clint Eastwood

"No job too big; no fee too big!"
-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"

The early worm gets killed.
-- Unknown

"Reality and I had a fundamental differing of opinions. We're currently undergoing a trial separation."

This .signature intentionally left blank.

Quote of the day: '

"I pissed a lot of people off today. I'm good at that."
-- Tim Masterson

"What! You've been assigned to SECURITY? On the ENTERPRISE? Boy, I sure hope your insurance is paid up, pal!"
-- overheard in a corridor, Star Base 5

"All our systems are 100% relia

"Loss of air pressure sucks."

Capt. Kirk: "I have a plan, Mr. Spock..."
Mr. Spock: "I'm all ears, Captain..."

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

"I was born in Canada"...
"What part?"
"All of me"

Never Trust A Skinny Chef

Very funny Scotty, now beam me my clothes!
-- bumper sticker(?)

Alimony: the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde.

There's a girl out there for you, Mike. She's with another guy, but she's out there.
-- The Matt Frewer Show(?)

The answer is 'yes' or 'no', depending on the interpretation.
-- Albert Einstein, in Scientific American, April 1950

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

The buck doesn't even slow down here.

The early bird gets the worm... and the second mouse gets the cheese.

Maxwell's rules of precision:
1. Measure with a micrometer
2. Mark with chalk
3. Cut with an axe

I am perfect. I never make mistakes. However, I thought I had once, but I was wrong.

Nothing is more exasperating than getting in the lane behind a person who is observing the speed limit.

Seen it, done it, can't remember most of it.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

I am having an out of money experience.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
-- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."
-- Wilt Chamberlain

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

All generalizations are false.

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and an expert at making breakfast.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

"For every complex question, there is a simple answer -- and it's wrong."
-- H.L. Mencken

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

The Force. It surrounds us; It enfolds us; It gets us dates on Saturday Nights.
-- Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.

To err is human. To bleat is ovine. To bark is canine.
To forgive is divine. To oink is porcine. To purr is feline.
To moo is bovine. To howl is lupine. This list is assinine.

The Circus Theory of Project Management:
If you have too many balls in the air, throw one to some other clown...

REMEMBER: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.

These opinions are mine alone, others can find their own.

The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.

Of course my password is the same as my pet's name.
My macaw's name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant
-- Steven Wright

Can't say that it is, 'cause it ain't.

Product shown enlarged to make you think you're getting more.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Lbh unir gbb zhpu serr gvzr.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

-"Ever heard of Aristotle . . . Plato . . . Socrates?!"

-- From the Princess Bride movie (attributed by mule_woman)

Coffee is my only REAL friend.

You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.

"Start at the Beginning, go through till the End, then stop."
-- King of Hearts, from "Alice in Wonderland"

First Law of Aviation: "Takeoff is optional, landing is compulsory"

There's a fine line between fishing, and standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

This matter is best disposed of from a great height, over water.

"I can please only one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
-- Anonymous

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
-- Anonymous e-mail sig

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
-- sign printed on a T-shirt

It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Sometimes the journey *is* its own reward
... but not when you're trying to get to the bathroom in time.

Deja Brew: The feeling that you've had this coffee before.

Everybody should believe something
I believe I'll have more coffee.

I'm on a low-fat, high stress diet .... coffee and fingernails.

All's fair in love and war, except of course if you launch a cruise missile at your loved one's home. That wouldn't be too fair.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

I may rise, but I refuse to shine.

Due to intense mind fog, all thoughts have been grounded.

3rd law of thermodynamics: things go worse under pressure.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. (If you miss a deadline, you'd better bring the sword)

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker.

I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.

Employment tip #127: Never take a beer to a job interview.

You can name your own salary here - I like to call mine Fred.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!

First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

The world is full of willing people - some willing to work and some willing to let them.
-- Robert Frost.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.

Note on a door: Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

It's better to give than to receive. Especially advice.
-- Mark Twain

I was delighted to be able to answer promptly. "I don't know", I said.
-- Mark Twain

Any married man should forget his mistakes
- there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

Women and elephants never, ever forget.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never chase after a [wo]man or a train - another one will always come along.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always!

For Sale - Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
(Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Indescribable - (adj.) Applied to that which defies description.
Adjective - (noun) Term used to describe something.
...You figure it out...

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

The peak years of mental activity are between the ages of four and eighteen. At four they know all the questions, at eighteen they know all the answers.

The early fish gets hooked for the same thing the early bird gets credit for.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Sign On Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.

Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

It's a strange and wonderful relationship -- she's strange and I'm wonderful.